Potential client monologue.

“Yes, we really want you to write them p.r. texts for us. Copy it is called, no? Yes, yes, I’ll tell you about our company later. Let’s talk money first.

“Well, yes, we need the stuff quicksmart, sure, but you must have got your numbers all mixed up. I checked on the Internets, you know. Not that I want to insinuate fraud, no no, don’t get me wrong. But I guess you’ve only worked for suckers up to this point. Yeah, sorry, that was rude. Let’s settle for uninformed clients, then?

“You see, that web page thingy told me exactly what appropriate rates for professional-quality writing are: Up to about four quid per page which really is a lot so we’ll settle on good-enough-but-not-perfect. Let’s say two pounds per page. Deal?

“But the site said … What do you mean ripping off amateurs? That’s what I’m talking about! You want to rip us off! The going rate is four pounds per page! The Internets told me so! And you want A BLEEDIN’ FIFTY QUID! And you call it ‘a concession’ to us being a new customer? You skipped from a mental institution or something?

“I don’t bloody care what other customers usually pay. If they get suckered into your fantasy world where copy writers live comfortably for doing absolutely nothing it’s their problem. Yes, nothing! FIFTY BLOODY POUNDS PER PAGE! PER! PAGE! My secretary types a page in two minutes! You seriously claim that – moment, have to calculate it – £ 1,500 an hour is ‘a concession’???

“What do I care if it takes you longer to write a page than it takes my secretary to type one! Yes, of course we expect you to do research for this p.r. article! You’ll have to talk to the department heads and look up all that funky jargon we use in our business. How could you write them texts otherwise? Well, sure, this will take time. But you’ll get free coffee and a 10 % rebate for the cafeteria.

“Okay, I see you are a hard one to convince. Let’s say three quid per page, then. Last offer. No, no, I’m alright. Me face always turns red when I’m in the midst of negotiations.

“Thanks for nothing, then. Yeah, yeah, sure. You’ll see the texts in the mags once that broker web site hooks us up with a real, professional copy writer. Not a hack like you who takes advantage of people in dire need. Yeah, sorry. That was rude, again. Apologies.

“What do you mean, ‘best of luck?’”

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