News flash: Your pub sucks.

Damn those wannabe chic restaurant / bar combos. Seriously, you want to be just like NYC? Then bloody hell open a restaurant there! And don’t convert an old-fashioned, well-loved dive into a composition of fake leather and overpriced food.

The waitress you kept after re-imagining your business chats with some regulars who still haven’t understood how their favourite watering hole had lost all its original appeal? Bitch at her! That will tell her to bloody well stop keeping the spirit alive and make sure the old farts won’t leave for pubs with less elegance but cheaper booze!

You have smart people in smart casual and a smart hair-dos sitting around, sipping their smart lattes and chatting about Corporate Identity – without noticing this place has lost its identity. But hey, it has worked for Zurich. “Downtown Switzerland” as the official claim goes, I shit you not. What the flying bugger does a city need a claim for, anyway?

Nice one, that bloody fucking poster showing a 16th century woodcut of your street or something with the pub’s name superimposed as a shop sign. Tradition! We’ve been here for centuries, ahaha! But we had to get rid of all ash trays as well as the original furniture and decoration as it was, well, not really in. Yaknow? Here, have a designer beer.

Serve imported beef rather than regional animal carcasses. Hey, those couple of thousand miles will have tendered the meat considerably by the time it arrives in Switzerland, and anyway, U! S! A! Bugger them bloody Swiss Prime Beef deliveries! Overpriced! We can’t make a decent cut even though we already charge more than any restaurant in walking distance! Must be all these wok veggies we serve with absolutely everything. Wok! That’s so cosmopolitan, too!

Bloody posers.

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